Love means that I know the person I love. I’m aware of the many sides of the other person----not just the beautiful side but also the limitations, inconsistencies and flaws. I have an awareness of the other’s feelings and thoughts, and I experience something of the core of that person. I can penetrate social masks and roles and see the other person on a deeper level.
愛(ài)意味著我了解我所愛(ài)的人。我認(rèn)識(shí)到對(duì)方的許多方面，不僅是美麗閃光的一面，還有能力上的不足、反復(fù)無(wú)常和性格上的缺陷。我了解對(duì)方的感情和想法，我能體驗(yàn)到那個(gè)人身上的某種本質(zhì)的東西。我能透過(guò)對(duì)方社交場(chǎng)合的表現(xiàn)和在社會(huì)的角色，看到他更深層次的品質(zhì)。
Love means that I care about the welfare of the person I love. To the extent that it is genuine, my caring is not a smothering of the person or a possessive clinging. On the contrary, my caring liberates both of us. If I care about you, I’m concerned about your growth, and I hope you will become all that you can become. Consequently, I don’t put up roadblocks to what you do that enhances you as a person, even though it may result in my discomfort at times.
愛(ài)意味著我關(guān)心我所愛(ài)的人的幸福。只要這種關(guān)心是真誠(chéng)的，那么它就不會(huì)是某種壓抑或占有性的依附。與此相反，我的關(guān)心會(huì)使我們兩個(gè)都不受到束縛。如果我在乎你，我就會(huì)關(guān)注你的成長(zhǎng)，我希望你將來(lái)成為一個(gè)有所作為的人。因此，對(duì)你為完善自己所做的一切，我決不設(shè)置障礙，即使你做的事情有時(shí)會(huì)使我不快。
Love means having respect for the dignity of the person I love. If I love you, I can see you as a separate person, with your own values and thoughts and feelings, and I do not insist that you surrender you identity and conform to an image of what I expect you to be for me. I can allow and encourage you to stand alone and to be who you are, and I avoid treating you as an object or using you primarily to gratify my own needs.
愛(ài)意味著尊重我所愛(ài)的人的尊嚴(yán)。如果我愛(ài)你，我會(huì)把你看成是獨(dú)立的個(gè)體，有自己的價(jià)值觀、思想和感情，我不會(huì)堅(jiān)持讓你放棄自己的特性，使你變成一個(gè)我期望你成為的那種人。我會(huì)允許并鼓勵(lì)你保持獨(dú)立，堅(jiān)持自己的特色，我會(huì)避免把你當(dāng)作一件東西對(duì)待或用你來(lái)主要滿足我自身的需要。
Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love. If I love you, I’m responsive to most of your major needs as a person. This responsibility does not entail my doing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself; nor does it mean that I run your life for you. It does imply acknowledging that what I am and what I do affects you, so that I am directly involved in your happiness and your misery. A lover does have the capacity to hurt or neglect the loved one, and in this sense I see that love entails and acceptance of some responsibility for the impact my way of being has on you.
愛(ài)意味著對(duì)我所愛(ài)的人付責(zé)任。如果我愛(ài)你，我就會(huì)積極對(duì)待你的需要。這種責(zé)任并不等于我要為你做你自己能夠做到的事情，也不是說(shuō)我為你管理你的生活。它應(yīng)該是承認(rèn)我和我所做的事會(huì)對(duì)你產(chǎn)生影響，因此我直接與你的幸福和痛苦聯(lián)系在一起。一個(gè)人的確可能會(huì)傷害或忽視他所愛(ài)的人。從這個(gè)意義上說(shuō)，愛(ài)包含著我要為我(的生活方式)對(duì)你的影響承擔(dān)一定的責(zé)任。
Love means growth for both myself and the person I love. If I love you, I am growing as a result of my love. You are a stimulant for me to become more fully what I might become, and my loving enhances your being as well. We each grow as a result of caring and being cared for; we each share in an enriching experience that does not detract form our being.
愛(ài)意味著和所愛(ài)的人共同成長(zhǎng)。如果我愛(ài)你，我會(huì)為了對(duì)你的愛(ài)而成長(zhǎng)。你將是激勵(lì)我更加充實(shí)自己的動(dòng)力，我的愛(ài)也會(huì)使你不斷完善提高。我們因愛(ài)與被愛(ài)而成長(zhǎng);我們彼此分享積累的豐富經(jīng)驗(yàn)而又不削減自己的個(gè)性。
Love means making a commitment to the person I love. This commitment does not entail surrendering our total selves to each other; nor does it imply that the relationship is necessarily permanent. It does entail a willingness to stay with each other in times of pain, uncertainty, struggle, and despair, as well as in times of calm and enjoyment.
愛(ài)意味著能夠承諾我所愛(ài)的人。這種承諾并不需要我們相互放棄自身的特性;也不是指我們的這種關(guān)系一定要天長(zhǎng)地久。這種承諾不僅包含著愿意在痛苦、猶豫、絕望的時(shí)候相互支持，也包含著共享平靜與歡樂(lè)。
Love means trusting the person I love. If I love you, I trust that you will accept my caring and my love and that you won’t deliberately hurt me. I trust that you will find me lovable and that you won’t abandon me; I trust the reciprocal nature of our love. If we trust each other, we are willing to be open to each other and can shed masks and pretenses and reveal our true selves.
愛(ài)意味著相信我所愛(ài)的人。如果我愛(ài)你，我會(huì)相信你將接受我的關(guān)心與愛(ài)意，我會(huì)相信你不會(huì)故意把我傷害，我會(huì)相信你終將發(fā)現(xiàn)我的可愛(ài)之處，我會(huì)相信你不會(huì)把我棄于不顧;我會(huì)相信我們是相愛(ài)的。如果我們彼此信任，我們就愿意敞開(kāi)心扉，摘下面具，去掉偽裝，顯示我們真實(shí)的自我。
Love can tolerate imperfection. In a love relationship there are times of boredom, times when I may feel like giving up, times of real strain, and times I experience an impasse. Authentic love does not imply enduring happiness. I can stay during rough times, however, because I can remember what we had together in the past, and I can picture what we will have together in our future if we care enough to face our problems and work them through. We agree with Reverend Maier when he writes that love is a spirit that changes life. Love is a way of life that is creative and that transforms. However, Maier does not view love as being reserved for a perfect world. ”Love is meant for our imperfect world where things go wrong. Love is meant to be a spirit that works in painful situations. Love is meant to bring meaning into life where nonsense appears to reign.” In other words, love comes into an imperfect world to make it livable.
愛(ài)可以容忍缺點(diǎn)。在愛(ài)的關(guān)系中，必然會(huì)有厭煩的時(shí)候，有我想放棄的時(shí)候，有關(guān)系緊張的時(shí)候，有我感到絕望的時(shí)候。真愛(ài)不僅僅意味著我們能共同分享幸福。在艱難困苦的時(shí)期我也能和你在一起，因?yàn)槲矣浀梦覀冞^(guò)去在一起度過(guò)的時(shí)光，如果我們對(duì)問(wèn)題給予足夠的重視，面對(duì)問(wèn)題并能度過(guò)困難時(shí)期，我能想像我們將來(lái)在一起是個(gè)什么樣子。我們同意梅爾教士的觀點(diǎn)，即愛(ài)是改變生活的精神力量。愛(ài)是一種創(chuàng)造性的生活方式并能使生活改善。但是梅爾并不認(rèn)為愛(ài)是完美世界獨(dú)有的。“愛(ài)是給予我們這個(gè)有問(wèn)題的不完善的世界的。愛(ài)是在痛苦的情況下發(fā)揮作用的精神。愛(ài)就是要使看起來(lái)無(wú)意義的生活變得有意義�！睋Q句話說(shuō)，愛(ài)來(lái)到這個(gè)不完美的世界使它適合人們居住。
Love is freeing. Love is freely given, not doled out on demand. At the same time, my love for you is not dependent on whether you fulfill my expectations of you. Authentic love does not imply “I’ll love you when you become perfect or when you become what I expect you to become.” Authentic love is not given with strings attached. There is an unconditional quality about love.
愛(ài)是自由的行為。愛(ài)是自愿地付出，而不是要求之下的施舍。與此同時(shí)，我對(duì)你的愛(ài)并不取決于你是否能滿足我對(duì)你的期望。真愛(ài)并不意味著“當(dāng)你成為完美的人或當(dāng)你成為我所期望的那種人時(shí)，我才愛(ài)你�！闭鎼�(ài)不是帶有附加條件的付出。愛(ài)是無(wú)條件的。
Love is expansive. If I love you, I encourage you to reach out and develop other relationships. Although our love for each other and our commitment to each other might bar certain actions on our parts, we are not totally and exclusively wedded to each other. It is a pseudolove that cements one person to another in such a way that he or she is not given room to grow. Casey and Vanceburg put this notion well:
愛(ài)是博大的。如果我愛(ài)你，我會(huì)鼓勵(lì)你向外發(fā)展，建立其他的人際關(guān)系。雖然我們之間的愛(ài)和彼此的承諾不允許我們做某些事情，但是我們并不是完全徹底地拴在一起。把一個(gè)人和另一個(gè)人拴在一起，而不給予他發(fā)展的空間，這是一種虛假的愛(ài)。凱斯和溫斯伯格對(duì)這個(gè)概念有很好的解釋：
The honest evidence of our love is our commitment to encouraging another’s full development. We are interdependent personalities who need one another’s presence in order to fulfill our destiny. And yet, we are also separate individuals. We must come to terms with our struggles alone.
我們相互承諾要鼓勵(lì)對(duì)方充分的發(fā)展，這就真實(shí)證明了我們之間的愛(ài)。我們是相互依存的，為了完成自己的使命，需要對(duì)方的存在。但我們又是不同的個(gè)體，我們必須各自面對(duì)自己的奮斗。
Love means having a want for the person I love without having a need for that person in order to be complete. If I am nothing without you, then I’m not really free to love you. I love you and you leave, I’ll experience a loss and be sad and lonely, but I’ll still be able to survive. If I am not free to challenge our relationship; nor am I free to challenge and confront you. Because of my fear of losing you, I’ll settle for less than I want, and this settling will surely lead to feelings of resentment.
愛(ài)意味著我需要我所愛(ài)的人，但并不是缺少他就不行。如果沒(méi)有你我就無(wú)法生存，那么我就不能自由的愛(ài)你。我愛(ài)你，即使你離開(kāi)了，即使我失落、難過(guò)和孤獨(dú)，但我還能活下去。如果我的價(jià)值和我的生存過(guò)于依賴于你，那我就沒(méi)有自由來(lái)審視我們之間的關(guān)系;也就沒(méi)有審視和反駁你的自由。因?yàn)槲液ε率ツ�，我就�?huì)降低要求，而這種遷就會(huì)使我產(chǎn)生不滿情緒。
Love means identifying with the person I love. If I love you, I can empathize with you and see the world through your eyes. I can identify with you and see the world through your eyes. I can identify with you because I’m able to see myself in you and you in me. This closeness does not imply a continual “togetherness,” for distance and separation are sometimes essential in a loving relationship. Distance and can intensify a loving bond, and it can help us rediscover ourselves, so that we are able to meet each other in a new way.
愛(ài)意味著理解所愛(ài)的人。如果我愛(ài)你，我就能與你有同樣的情感，我就能通過(guò)你的眼睛去看這世界。我理解你是因?yàn)槲夷軌蛟谀闵砩峡吹轿易约�，并在我自己身上看到你。這種親密無(wú)間并不意味著持續(xù)地呆在一起，有時(shí)候，距離和分別對(duì)于相愛(ài)同樣是必要的。距離會(huì)加強(qiáng)愛(ài)的聯(lián)系，會(huì)有助于我們重現(xiàn)認(rèn)識(shí)自己，使我們可以以新的方式面對(duì)對(duì)方。
Love means selfish. I can only love you if I genuinely love, value, appreciate, and respect myself. If I am empty, then all I can give you is my emptiness. If I feel that I’m complete and worthwhile in myself, then I’m able to give to you out of my fullness. One of the best ways for me to give you love is by fully enjoying myself with you.
愛(ài)中充滿了自我。只有我能真正地愛(ài)著自己，珍視自己，欣賞自己，尊重自己，我才能愛(ài)你。如果我生活空虛，那么我能給予你的只能是我的空虛。如果我感到自己是完整的，有價(jià)值的，那么我就能讓你分享我的充實(shí)。給予我對(duì)你的愛(ài)，最好的方式就是和你在一起充分享受我的一切。
Love involves seeing the potential within the person we love. In my love for another, I view her or him as the person she or he can become, while still accepting who and what the person is now. Goethe’s observation is relevant here: by taking people as they are, we make them worse, but by treating them as if they already were what they ought to be, we help make them better.
愛(ài)包含著看到我所愛(ài)的人的潛在能力。我愛(ài)那個(gè)人，我一方面承認(rèn)他的現(xiàn)狀，另一方面我現(xiàn)在就視他為他將來(lái)能夠成為的那種人。歌德有一句與此相關(guān)的評(píng)論：我們?nèi)绻凑杖藗兊默F(xiàn)狀來(lái)對(duì)待他們，會(huì)使他們?cè)絹?lái)越差，要是按照他們應(yīng)該達(dá)到的目標(biāo)來(lái)對(duì)待和要求他們，我們就會(huì)促使他們變得更好。
We conclude this discussion of the meanings that authentic love has for us by sharing a thought from Fromm’s The Art of Loving (1956). His description of mature love sums up the essential characteristics of authentic love quite well:
我們把弗羅姆在《愛(ài)的藝術(shù)》里闡述的一個(gè)觀點(diǎn)介紹給大家，以此來(lái)結(jié)束我們對(duì)真愛(ài)含義的論述。他對(duì)成熟的愛(ài)的歸納極好地總結(jié)了真愛(ài)的基本特征：
Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. In love this paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
成熟的愛(ài)是兩人的結(jié)合，但又不失各自的完整和特性。愛(ài)中有這種矛盾現(xiàn)象：合二為一，卻又一分為二。
